Please note that all dialogue is under United States
Church of the
A comedy in two acts by Allyson Currin
*2002 Helen Hayes Award nominee,
Outstanding New Play
2 men, 2 women, unit set
Cassie is a young novelist returning home
after writing her first flop, a thinly-disguised account of her failed
love affair. But why is she really coming back? Church, her flamboyantly
domineering father and long-time editor, is prepared to reassume
his position as mid-wife to her work. Her ex-fiance Gid (the unwilling
subject of her failed novel) is ready to start afresh – if
only she’ll put down the pen. Cassie spirals out of control
as familial and romantic forces besiege her sanity – and the
comedy turns dark. In this scene, Cassie and Gid attempt to leave
the house for a much-desired dinner date:
Halt! Where are you taking my daughter, you molester?
I’m taking her to dinner.
And when will she be returned to me?
I’ll be home when I’m home. Daddy, I’m a grown-up.
Age aside, I am your father and I have a moral obligation to demand
the intentions of your suitor. Now, let’s discuss
I’ll strangle you in your sleep!
Curfew? Is that the game? Okay, padre.
I thought I might take her to dinner. Get her good and
drunk on some really cheap chardonnay. Tell lies about
my sex life.
Slide my foot up her skirt under
table for a couple of hours. Then we’ll probably end up at the Polka Dot
Inn out of Route 52, which is where I take most of my conquests. They know me
there. I get a discount for volume. I’ll whip out the baby oil and handcuffs,
ravish her – should take about eight hours – and I’ll dump
her on your front porch buck naked at five a.m. sharp.
Long as I know. Have a good time.