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Please note that all dialogue is under United States
Copyright protection.
Church of the
Open Mind*
A comedy in two acts by Allyson Currin
*2002 Helen Hayes Award nominee,
Outstanding New Play
2 men, 2 women, unit set
Synopsis:
Cassie is a young novelist returning home
after writing her first flop, a thinly-disguised account of her failed
love affair. But why is she really coming back? Church, her flamboyantly
domineering father and long-time editor, is prepared to reassume
his position as mid-wife to her work. Her ex-fiance Gid (the unwilling
subject of her failed novel) is ready to start afresh – if
only she’ll put down the pen. Cassie spirals out of control
as familial and romantic forces besiege her sanity – and the
comedy turns dark. In this scene, Cassie and Gid attempt to leave
the house for a much-desired dinner date:
CHURCH
Halt! Where are you taking my daughter, you molester?
PAULA
Church!
GID
I’m taking her to dinner.
CHURCH
And when will she be returned to me?
CASSIE
I’ll be home when I’m home. Daddy, I’m a grown-up.
CHURCH
Age aside, I am your father and I have a moral obligation to demand
the intentions of your suitor. Now, let’s discuss
curfew.
PAULA
I’ll strangle you in your sleep!
GID
Curfew? Is that the game? Okay, padre.
I thought I might take her to dinner. Get her good and
drunk on some really cheap chardonnay. Tell lies about
my sex life.
Slide my foot up her skirt under
the
table for a couple of hours. Then we’ll probably end up at the Polka Dot
Inn out of Route 52, which is where I take most of my conquests. They know me
there. I get a discount for volume. I’ll whip out the baby oil and handcuffs,
ravish her – should take about eight hours – and I’ll dump
her on your front porch buck naked at five a.m. sharp.
How’s that?
Beat.
CHURCH
Long as I know. Have a good time.
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